Whistleblowers are always appearing before congressional committees and revealing that big companies are hiding the flaws and dangers of their products from the public. But is there any reason whistleblowing has to be limited to tech giants like Facebook? Not really.

As I see it, there are lots of other areas of American life in desperate need of whistleblowers:

Critics...

Whistleblowers are always appearing before congressional committees and revealing that big companies are hiding the flaws and dangers of their products from the public. But is there any reason whistleblowing has to be limited to tech giants like Facebook ? Not really.

As I see it, there are lots of other areas of American life in desperate need of whistleblowers:

Contemporary country music. Critics wonder why every country song is about the same old achy-break heartbreak, that hard-drinking man that left me high and dry, that lying Jezebel that broke up our happy home. And, oh yes, that tractor I so dearly love.

A whistleblower reveals that there are thousands of country songs that aren’t stupid and interchangeable—songs that deal with topics like deep, enduring love and wonderful marriages and dating guys who aren’t likely to wrap the F-150 around that old oak tree. But the powers-that-be deliberately withhold these songs from the public. Why?

“Relaxed-fit jeans are part of a Machiavellian plot to encourage consumers to put on a few extra pounds.”

“Country music executives know that every song sounds exactly the same,” the whistleblower asserts. “But that’s the way supermarkets and gas stations and dentists’ offices want it. If country music went back to being twangy and daring, and sounded like it had something to do with the country or the West, bank managers would stop pumping it into the lobby.”

Manufacturers of “relaxed-fit” jeans. Relaxed-fit jeans, aimed at the slightly puffy, the middle-aged, or both are part of a Machiavellian plot to encourage consumers to put on a few extra pounds. Otherwise, the baggy, billowy jeans make you look as if you were wearing clown pants.

According to a highly placed whistleblower, jeans makers collude with ice cream companies and confectioners to trick the public into gaining weight so that their relaxed-fit jeans will look less stupid. Kickbacks are rampant, with merchants encouraged to hide all the slim-fit jeans or only order them with a 24-inch waist. Faced with such adversity, consumers have no choice but to purchase excessively roomy jeans and then start slamming away the bacon-double-cheeseburgers.

Major League Baseball. The powers-that-be know how boring baseball is; they made it that way. A highly ranked MLB executive turned whistleblower has revealed all: Though the league keeps acting like it’s the players’ fault that games last four hours, in fact, pitchers receive under-the-table bribes to endlessly readjust their caps and fool around with the rosin bag between throws, and batters are instructed to step out of the batter’s box and foul off perfectly good pitches.

Baseball is engineered to be long and annoying because that makes fans drink more—not just in the stadium, but at home—and the alcohol-producing sponsors like that. MLB even has top-secret algorithms figuring out ways to make baseball even more annoying, like having Alex Rodriguez

announce double-headers.

The leaf-blowing industry. The industry, which now employs 22 million people, has mountains of research proving that it is possible to build a noiseless leaf blower. But that information has been deep-sixed. A whistleblower with hearing and asthma issues reveals that the industry knows how annoying and harmful to the environment its products are. What the public doesn’t know is that the industry is run by dystopian schemers that are just plain evil. It’s got nothing to do with money. These guys are just flat-out tools of Satan.

The DMV. People constantly wonder why DMV clerks are so abusive and mean. A whistleblower with a nice disposition reveals that states go out of their way to hire hostile, unhelpful people because otherwise these mean people would go to work for the U.S. Postal Service, which would make society even worse. And yes, the DMV uses secret algorithms to track down the nastiest people in America and bring them on board. Though she can’t prove it, the whistleblower believes that the algorithms are supplied by Amtrak.