Totally Not Fake News: Victory for All - Battle Red Blog

Houston, TX - A strange feeling settled over the offices of NRG Stadium and the Houston Texans this past week. “It was weird, man…” observed one unnamed staffer “There was a sense of something we haven’t felt…since…maybe the preseason. No, wait, even more recent than that…Week 1!!! Holy cow…er, holy Easterby…whoops. The most Holy and Blessed One doesn’t like hearing that reference ever since someone accidentally emailed the 2nd Surah of the Koran to him by mistake. Anyway, yeah, that is it. Actual, honest-to-[Easterby]…JOY!!!. No more slogging through painful game footage. No more ‘you guys suck so bad in your play, you’ll be lucky to be competitive in a game, much less achieve something like a win’ demotivational talks. It is strange, but so, so nice.”

“Even the Bible studies went so much better. For most of the season, we have been alternating between Jeremiah with its whole ‘fall of Jerusalem and arrogance of the kings/going into exile to suffer on the road thing’ and regular recitations of Old Testament law and ‘eye for an eye’ sorta thing. We could actually focus on a more cheerful book. I think we were partial to the book of Daniel, especially since we went into the Lion’s Den…or rather, the Cheap Backyard Moonshine Distillery, and came out not only alive, but stronger than ever!!! Nothing like some surviving-the-furnace-type action.”

Not as impressive as holding the #1 seed in the AFC to only 13 points on their home-field, but for its time and place, not too shabby.

Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Another unnamed player noted “Hey, if we can keep this up, there is a rumor that Coach Culley will let us read the Beatitudes. Wow!!! Wouldn’t that be so awesome, to read and live the real positive message of the Book.”

When confronted about this news, Culley noted “Beatitudes my [Easterby]!!! You think I am going soft on those [Easterbys] just because they outlasted a team that was on a major meth withdraw??? The way those dumb as [Easterby] [Easterbys] played the second half, especially all those 3 and outs?!? They’ll be lucky if I let them even glance at Revelations, much less any positive messaging in the New Testament. You want the happy light stuff? You gotta earn it!!!”

If this man wasn’t giving out game balls after a win, you think he is going to lighten up on the Bible study texts?

Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

While Culley was ranting poetic about what his players earned and all that, others in the Texans’ ownership felt that even with all of the hard work and the glory of a major upset win, they might not be getting the full credit they deserve.

“Come on, man!!! We gave this city the first win for the month of November” whined Team CEO Cal McNair. “And we ain’t just talkin’ about the NFL. You seen the rest of the teams in H-town this month. Of the Big 4 pro franchises in the city (yes, we are counting the Dynamo here), this is what we have for the city since Nov 1 and before the Texans broke through to salvage the honor of Houston:

• Houston Astros: 0-1 (We are still in mourning on this one)
• Houston Dynamo: 0-1 (Eh, maybe not so much on this one, but still)
• Houston Rockets: 0-10 (Before Nov 20th)
• Houston Texans: 0-1 (Before Nov 20th)

“Now, I had someone Daddy paid to do my homework…er, a college tutor, who ran some numbers for me, as I still have some issues with calculators, and BOOM…that means that we snapped a 13 game Houston pro-team losing streak to start the month. And none too soon, as the Rockets seemed content to try to go 0-fer the month” stated McNair. “[Easterby] I, myself, actually got off the snide, putting a series [Easterby] whipping on some pre-K punks from Angleton. They never saw a sheer beast in Minecraft until they got a load of me!!!”

TFW you just got out of beating up on some punks in Minecraft and breaking a city-wide 0-fer the month.

Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

Apparently, McNair was so taken by the Texans’ win and snapping the city losing streak that he made inquiries to City Hall about using the proposed parade route for the Astros World Series. Thought it would be a nice touch. However, when Cal couldn’t guarantee more than just the family and Jack Easterby would attend, the city shut it down quickly.

Perhaps the city will change its tune if the Texans can build on last week’s win with this week’s duel against the New Jersey Jets (ok, ok, they are the NEW YORK Jets, but they ain’t played a home game on the other side of the NY/NJ border since Jimmy Hoffa’s remains helped set the foundations for the stadium in the Meadowlands). Apparently, the Texans are favored in this game. Not a common occurrence, but we are not in common times. Perhaps a win is in order? Dare we say, a win streak?

Well, if the Texans do manage to graduate to one of the gospels for future Bible studies, we at Totally Not Fake News will keep you, the reading public informed. As part of our mission, we will relay all of the news that is fit to print, and even if it is not, we will print it anyway.

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November 27, 2021 at 01:00AM
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Totally Not Fake News: Victory for All - Battle Red Blog
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